Monday, August 9, 2010

What We Stand to Gain From Polygamy

The moral and legal debate regarding polygamy has become heated in recent years, with media coverage soaring, and people (as a rule) becoming increasingly nosy about what their neighbors are up to, which we might attribute to mere boredom. The general public receives polygamy as an offensive, unacceptable crime – a crime which leaves children neglected and women abused. The media portrays polygamists as misogynistic, puritanical Luddites. The men who participate are depicted as fanatically religious “pimps,” and contrastingly, the women are submissive, helpless “whores.” And don't get me started on the feminists, who dismiss male-dominated polygamy altogether, and refuse to consider its benefits. What most fail to understand is that polygamy can ultimately function as a real solution to the most pressing issue in American society today – the economic crisis. In fact, I speculate that one of the greatest trials in American history – the Great Depression – was caused solely by women in monogamous marriages, or “partnerships” as radicals prefer to call these arrangements. In my analysis, I will be discussing both crises, past and present, to shed some light on how desperately polygamy needs to be not only supported by the public, but enforced by law, to ensure the well being of all who inhabit this great country.

The cause of the current economic crisis in the United States has been horrendously misconstrued. Feminist conspiracy theorists will tell you that you should look no further than Wall Street. Apparently it is the fault of major corporations and their executives (who, mind you, are barely making enough to get by). Other wacko feminists will explain that it is merely careless approval of loans that could never be paid, or it is attributed to an increased outsourcing of jobs – which, it should be noted, really reflects the racist aims of the feminist movement. However, what most are afraid to say is that this recession is not the fault of the men who are in charge – this crisis was caused by those she-devils known as “single moms.”

There, I said it. Do me a favor, though, and do not tell Sonia Sotomayor I did.

The heart of this crisis lies in the alarming unemployment rates, and the sole cause of this massive increase in lay-offs can easily be traced back to women – and more frequently, “single moms.” The stark reality is that there are only so many jobs in this country, and as men are physically stronger and more emotionally resilient, these jobs are not only better suited for men, but nearly impossible for women to perform well in. However, feminists disrupted this healthy balance of men being the sole providers, and women being the housemaids, by insisting this system was inherently unequal. Feminists taught women to put themselves before their husbands and their families, and ultimately to put themselves before their country. As more and more women entered the workforce, more and more employers took pity – booting the men out, assuming that their more intelligent, callous competitors would rehire these more able men. However, because of feminism, employers became far too charitable, and soon most men were out of work. In particular, “single moms” – or mothers who choose not to include the father in the family unit, otherwise known as the ultra-feminists – became far too ambitious, returning to community college and further encouraging such reckless pity-employment.

Additionally, women are the primary fuel for the economy in a different, more significant sense. As the popular song goes, girls just wanna have fun. Women love to shop and spend superfluous amounts of money. However, when women are too busy working, they no longer have the leisure time to spend excessive amounts of money on unneeded items. This kind of damage to the economy forced employers to fire more of their workforce, and of course, the first employees to go were the men, thanks to the feminists. When women actually had to work to earn their money, they also became frugal, because they suddenly understood the value of the dollar. Years ago, women were convinced that “money grows on trees.” And to them, it really seemed to – their husbands would disappear for hours, and return with dollar bills and gifts to reward their wives with. To the wife, there was no appreciation of the manual labor that went in, for she could not see the blood and sweat, nor did she bleed or sweat herself – although she did cry, because that is the nature of a woman, and she only “bled” one week out of the month (but that was a punishment from God, of course, for the daughters of Eve). And thus the dollar was not treated as a sacred item, as a man would see it. However, this careless attitude towards money, in addition to men being the sole providers, is what allowed the economy, and ultimately the American way, to prevail – and this was shattered, thanks to a new generation of women who considered themselves “individuals” with “rights.”

This superfluous spending of money was not always as beneficial as it might sound. Case in point – the Great Depression. Men were paying little attention to what their wives were really up to, and when buying on credit became the “new deal” (pun not intentional, but endorsed), they foolishly (albeit unknowingly) allowed their spend-happy spouses to buy everything on credit. Again, women must take the blame for destroying the economy, and causing virtually all Americans to suffer. Interestingly enough, the era just previous allowed for unheard of privilege for women. The “Roaring Twenties,” as the era was often called, was a time when women were let off of the leash, and consequently, ended up rebelling against gender norms. They were cutting their hair, showing some skin, and some were even seen drinking alcohol for the very first time... and women, as we know, are such temperamental creatures to begin with. When women are let out of the house and turned into alcoholics with credit cards, the result is devastating – ultimately, out of an overdose on freedom, the Great Depression was born... although all the soccer moms nowadays on Prozac might tell you their “great depression” was born out of lack of freedom, but what the hell do they know? They're all selfish... they don't know how good they really have it.

Now, the question on your mind is likely this – how is polygamy the panacea, the defender of American values, and the unbreakable backbone for the economy? For one, there is nothing terrible about an unmarried male – but single women and mothers, as we've come to realize, are the true recipe for disaster. Women, when they join the workforce, become too frugal, too ambitious, and too selfish. When they are not under the strict guidance of a male, they become alcoholics. Many ask, why polygamy then, and not monogamy? Monogamy encourages the woman to think of herself as an equal in the relationship – and she will come to expect rights and liberties, which will, of course, undermine the American way... subjugation of women, the Super Bowl, and war. And naturally, to further allow men to stay in the workforce, his emotional health must be top-notch – and with a cleaner house, better food, children under constant care, and multiple sex partners, how could he not remain chipper?

We've seen that boarding school, for instance, has helped breed some of the most well-behaved young women, far more suitable for married life. Imagine polygamy, then, as a way of turning one's household into a boarding school in which women will continue, even into their adult lives, to refine their temper and, by looking to their fellow “housewives” (not to be confused with homosexuality, which is sinful), become better wives themselves. It is not only best for the economy, but it is best for the women themselves – they will never be alone. They will always have company, other women much like them who can ease the burden of household chores, and help them build the skills necessary to be a more successful housewife.

Polygamy also follows Darwinian principles – natural selection within a household, or so to speak. Women who are best at cleaning can restrict their activities to such, women who are most gifted in the culinary arts can remain in the kitchen. Women who are best at raising the children can do so, and women who are best in bed will, consequently, be the preferred sexual partner. Eventually, by natural selection, all women will be excellent sexual partners, which, of the many positions (pun intended this time) a woman will take, this is the most important one. And men, who must work for not only his family, but to keep the economy going and allow the United States to thrive, will return home to a plethora of women, all of the greatest caliber, performing at such a height unheard of in monogamous relationships.

If there is any darker chapter in human history, I truly cannot decide if it was the first, second, or third wave of Feminism. Feminism has annihilated the spirit of America, caused immense suffering and poverty, and has even violated the very constitution this country was founded upon (“all men are created equal”). Feminism has raped this country of all it once stood for. As a friend of mine often says, there are only founding fathers for a reason. Women have already gained far too much power, and if this continues, the very country so many have died for will be destroyed – and all of the lives lost will have been sacrificed in vain. Polygamy will not only put women in their proper place – the household – but it will make each household better suited for the head of it – the man, upon whom the very fate of America rests upon. Without the working man, democracy will fail, and anarchy will prevail. Without those women, however, we would still be in the Garden of Eden and this whole mother-fucking mess (pun, again, intended) wouldn't have even started. You might judge Tiger Woods for his many mistresses, but in my opinion, he was onto something – Tiger Woods should be revered as not only a champion of the golf realm, but a real American hero.


Susan Reese was born and raised in Provo, Utah, where she remains a God-fearing mother and a devoted wife. Disillusioned by the conservative party's recent failures and lack of traditionalist policies, her fire for politics was reignited by Sarah Palin – the ultimate mother, and the ultimate non-working woman... hell, Palin couldn't finish a single term in office, ran for Vice President (what do they do, anyway?), and didn't even write her own autobiography. Susan Reese now resides in Provo, Utah, where she can be found making grits, watching clothes dry on the line, or speaking in tongues at her local Pentecostal church.

PLEASE NOTE: This piece of satire does not reflect the views held by The Click or any of its contributors.

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